10 Steps To Parenthood
Forget the baby books and get real. Here are ten ways to tell if you’re prepared for parenthood.
1. Women: to prepare yourself for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it on for nine months. After Nine months take out ten percent of the beans.
Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the chemist, open your wallet at the counter and tell the assistant to help himself. Then go to the supermarket and arrange to have your salary paid directly to its head office.
2. To find out how the nights will feel, walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing four to five kilograms. At 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to bed. Get up at 12am and walk around the living room with the bag til 1am. Set the alarm for 3am. As you can’t get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45am. Get back up when the alarm goes off at three am. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Set the alarm for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years Look cheerful.
3. Hollow out a melon and make a hole in the side roughly the size of a golf ball. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy cereal and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an aeroplane. Continue until half the cereal is gone. Tip the rest into your lap. You are now ready to feed a 12 month old baby. To prepare for toddlers, smear Purity on the couch and jam on the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind the stereo and leave for a few months.
4. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems. First buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus in the bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this: all morning.
5. Forgt the sports car and buy a Toyota. And don’t think you can leave it in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don’t look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Jam a fifty cent piece into the cassette player. Mash a family-sized pack of chocolate biscuits down the back seats. Run a rake along the sides of the car. There, Perfect.
6. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again and walk down the front path. Walk back up. Walk down again. Then walk very slowly along the road for five minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette end, piece of chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Re trace your steps. Scream that you’re had about as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you. You are now ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
7. Learn the names of every character from teletubbies or Power Rangers when you find yourself singing “Postman Pat” in the bath, you quailfy as a parent.
8. Go to the supermarket, taking with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre school child – a fully grown goat is ideal. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Do your weeks shopping without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for anything the goats eat or destroy.
9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.
10. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience and how they allow their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child’s sleeping habits, potty-training, manners and behaviour. Enjoy it – it’ll be the last time in your life you have all the answers.
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Posted on July 13, 2012, in Di's Articles, Funnies, Parenting, Pregnancy and tagged cereal, friday funny, joke, laugh, maternity, melon, parenthood, paternity, sleep, smile, walk. Bookmark the permalink. 5 Comments.