Ok, so the males of the house are camping in the lounge tonight and wow they are noisy.
It has given me a little time to myself though.
It got me thinking.
I got some upsetting news recently and I have been biting my nails and scratching my head. Literally. Its not because I’m thinking…
I am not itching or anything like that, scratching my head is a nervous reaction, as is biting my nails.
I don’t even realise I’m doing it. I wake up during the night doing these things.
I think having to deal with my abusive neighbour and having dealt with my boy’s bullies has added to my anxiety.
I have bitten my nails past the point that I can’t bite them any more, I have so little nail I can’t actually scratch my head anymore.
So here I am writing a blog post, working through my set back, and processing some thoughts.
I haven’t bitten my nails in years, in fact I have had to cut my nails because they were getting too long and typing was becoming difficult. This is my wake up call, my lightbulb moment, its time to fix this. Its time to fix this NOW.
When I was a child I couldn’t hide the fact that I was biting my nails.
When my nails were too short in my late teens, I’d buy falsies and paste them on. I was such a pro at falsies I was asked time and time again to give up the name of the “pro” doing my nails.
Adding nails to the equation didn’t help scratching my head, and like I said, its a nervous reaction so I honestly don’t realise that I’m doing it until I’ve scratched a hole in my scalp and I’m hurting. Its noticeable.
I realise that people around me don’t know why I am doing it and probably have thoughts on the lines of “there goes that disgusting nut case who won’t get her head lice seen to…”
Which brings me to think of one such person, who noticed this when I was a teenager.
She is a teacher.
Still teaching today in fact.
She knew very well I wasn’t happy and I had tried to speak to her on occasion because I thought she may help me cope better. I never received any help.
The woman picked me out indirectly in company. Obviously everyone in the room knew she was talking about me when she told her stupid little story about changing shampoo.
“I’m gonna to wash this turmoil right outta my hair – I’m gonna wash this turmoil right outta my hair”
She obviously never studied any subjects on child psychology!
Wonderful teacher she was.
She really had no idea! I could elaborate on her epic failings especially when it comes to noting that a child is a victim of domestic abuse, a knowledge that every teacher should have!
The first signs that a child is experiencing abuse is that they will wear long sleeved shirts in the middle of summer. They do this to hide the bruises. You have to remember that some abusers will hit where bruises are unseen. So taking note that an abused child has more aches and pains than a “normal” child is also an indication that you should investigate further. Having the child drop rather blatant hints could also be a sign shouting at you.
The only way Mrs Wonderful Teacher would have noticed would be to have a revolving sign super glued to my fore head.
With all of this in mind and how the latest bomb shell has affected me, I have decided that I have to speak more about what is bothering me. I can’t bottle it up.
I need people around me to know this is what happened, this is why I am doing these things, and if its tough for you to hear it…
I experienced it!
Posting this blog is probably going to be one of the toughest things I do, but if it helps someone else, it puts another nail in the grave of my monster.
Its tough for me to talk about it but I am because I don’t want this to be an issue in my life any more. There are issues that I am going to have to deal with in the next few months, and I need to build a support system, so when I’m on a low I can pick myself up again.
As a good friend said to me, I am a strong woman now. I am a different person to what I was back then. I have to know that within myself I have the power to chase this monster away.
I can let the monster know that those buttons he used to push aren’t there any more.
I take action now. I don’t allow anyone to treat me any less than I deserve to be treated, and if they do I make sure that they know that I deserve better. I am always trying to keep positive and I will keep fighting for a positive ending.
I will defeat the monster and any of his minions.
This is MY time! AND DONT YOU FORGET IT!