Tips For Every Day Life
Time to get a new car when
~ You lose the stop-light challenge to a 14-year old on a moped.
~ Your mechanic keeps asking, “Can I re-duct-tape that windshield for you?”
~ While waiting at stop light, people run up asking if anyone was hurt.
~ Traffic reporters are starting to refer to you by name when discussing morning traffic jams.
~ It hasn’t been the same since Henry Ford borrowed it.
~ Instead of an airbag, there’s a whoopie cushion taped to your steering wheel.
Everyday life tips – for men 😉
1. If you’re choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. PRESTO! The blockage will instantly remove itself.
2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.
3. A mouse trap placed on your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
4. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you’ll be too afraid to cough.
5. You only need two tools in life. Q20 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the Q20. If it shouldn’t move and does use the duct tape.
6. REMEMBER – Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
7. If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem.
New Workplace Vocabulary…
BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a Cube farm, and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on.
MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation’s answer to the couch potato.
SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiney.
SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
404: Someone who’s clueless. From the World Wide Web error message “404 Not Found,” meaning that the requested document could not be located.
OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that you’ve just made a BIG mistake.
WOOF’S: Well-off Older Folks.
CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously farting while passing through a Cube Farm.
If you have a great funny you would like to see here on a Friday… Mail it to me on firstname.lastname@example.org or post it in the comments. If you make me laugh, consider it posted! 🙂