Just what you’ve been waiting for.
Thank you to Ian, Glenda and Mary for the jokes 😉 you are awesome!
Jacob, age 92, and Reba, age 91, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
Jacob: “We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”
Pharmacist: “Of course we do.”
Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?”
Pharmacist: “All kinds.”
Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?”
Jacob: “How about Viagra?”
Pharmacist: “Of course.”
Jacob: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?”
Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety. The works.”
Jacob: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, geritol, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?”
Jacob: “You sell wheelchairs and walkers?”
Pharmacist: “All speeds and sizes.”
Reba speaks up and says to the pharmacist: “We’d like to register here for our wedding gifts, please.”
The proud father brought home a backyard swing set for his children and immediately started to assemble it with all the neighbourhood children anxiously waiting to play on it.
After several hours of reading the directions, attempting to fit bolt A into slot B, etc., he finally gave up and called upon an old handyman working in a neighbouring yard.
The old-timer came over, threw the directions away, and in a short while had the set completely assembled.
“It’s beyond me,” said the father, “how you got it together without even reading instructions.”
“To tell the truth,” replied the old-timer, “I can’t read, and when you can’t read, you’ve got to think.”
Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.
The judge says, ‘You seem like nice young men, and I’d like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I’ll see you back in court Monday.’
On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, ‘How did you do over the weekend?’
‘Well, Your Honour, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.’
’17 people? That’s wonderful. How did you do it?’
‘I used a diagram, Your Honour. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs.’
‘That’s admirable,’ says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy.
‘And how did you do?’
‘Well, Your Honour, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.’
‘Wow!’ says the judge. ‘156 people! How did you manage to do that?’
‘Well, I used a similar diagram,’ the guy says. ‘I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, ‘This is your arsehole before prison……… 🙂
A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, “God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa.”
The father asked, ‘Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?’
The little girl said, “I don’t know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do .”
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, “God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma.” The next day the grandmother died .
“Holy crap” thought the father, “this kid is in contact with the other side .”
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, “God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy .”
He practically went into shock. He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock . He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home .
When he got home his wife said, “I’ve never seen you work so late. What’s the matter?”
He said, “I don’t want to talk about it, I’ve just spent the worst day of my life.”
She said, “You think you had a bad day, the pool Boy died in the backyard this morning.”
THE HORTH WHITHPERER
A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he’s sending a friend over to look at a horse.
His buddy asks, ‘How will I recognize him?’
‘That’s easy; he’s a dwarf with a speech impediment.’
So, the dwarf shows up, and the guy asks him if he’s looking for a male or female horse.
‘A female horth.’
So he shows him a prized filly.
‘Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?’
So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse’s eyes the once over.
‘Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?’
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse’s ears.
‘Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?’
The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse’s mouth.
‘Nice mouf, can I see her twat?’
Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms
and rams the dwarf’s head up the horse’s fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
‘Perhapth I should rephrase that.
Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?’
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