Triggers – a series – Part 2

I’ve been struggling over some points in my life again, like I wrote in Is Your Blog About Me?
and the Triggers that set me off.

Infact, Triggers, is becoming a series of posts.

It takes time for me to work through things and join the dots, so I can move on. So writing helps me process my thoughts and take action on healing and improving my life.

You see to me its not just as easy as forgive and forget. I really feel that if an issue made such a negative impact on my life, that I need to look deeper, find what the real issue is and then work on it. I end up a better person for it. Bottling these “triggers” or past events up, is just not cutting it. I need to keep moving forward for my own mental health, I mean retreating back into my box or hiding behind my bullet proof wall is not going to help me or my kids. If you’re a mum you will know this too…

Recently, I’ve been busy. Yeah, I know, I’ve said it before. I’ve been dealing with a load of issues, trying to get my own career on the go, I’ve followed my heart into Animal Welfare, my son being bullied, health issues, and the regular day to day chores, playing taxi you name it. The things busy moms do.

It hasn’t been easy, but its been pretty awesome to see my own little invention grow, like another one of my children.

So now that – that sets you in the picture of where I am now, here’s what’s bothering me.

When you are doing all these things it isn’t easy to “fit everyone in”, let alone roll out the metaphorical red carpet for seemingly needy people. Doing all “these things” doesn’t mean that I am excluding people either. It purely means that I am living!

Am I expecting too much from people, to simply understand when I say, “hey, I have a couple of school functions to attend.” or send a multiple person email to tell people about news or events. Especially after I’ve repeatedly explained what I’ve been doing.

Getting a reply from genetic family, that it is only “my words” that we are family, really pushed me over the edge. Actually the words haunted me.

Haunting is a very appropriate word here.

When my mom got divorced, we moved in with my grandparents. My Gramps, my hero, was really ill. He had forgotten I had grown up, because of altzheimers, and asked where I was, in the mean time I was standing right there in front of him.

My mom was spending a lot of time with her friend, trying to get a career on the go, but also socialising more. I fully understand now, that this was her way of coping. Her coping mechanisms aren’t the same as mine, and that has to be respected. There’s never a clear cut BLACK and WHITE when it comes to coping. You go through the motions, you mourn and every person is different. Its important to realise that there are GREY areas.

I may have been 22 and “expected” to understand, but it was a tumultuous time for me, a partial blur, and not a time that I fully understand either.

I really should have opened up then about a lot of things. Once again it comes down to GREY areas, and circumstance always plays a big role. It can make you or break you down further.

I was more concerned about my hero’s life ending and I realised clearly that no one noticed how I was falling apart inside due to bruises and scars, literally and metaphorically speaking. Talk about pulling together as a family in hard times – this just divided us up even more.

To cut a long story short, while I was coping with starting a new job, working though the end of an abuse cycle, and my Gramps’ deteriorating health I got told that I wasn’t welcome in my childhood home.

So now that my safe haven was taken away from me, I thought I had no family.

It hurt me so deeply that when my Gramps passed over, I felt so disassociated from “my family” I couldn’t bring myself to sit with them. You see in Jewish tradition the family of the deceased sit in the front row of the Shul. My empty chair was there. Did anyone notice that I instead sat with my long time friend and cousins ex husband in the back row of the Shul? No.

I was heart broken.

image from google images

image from google images

Tradition at the end of the service sees the family walking out first, but because I was at the back of the Shul, I had to wait.

On arrival home, once again according to tradition, family are supposed to do nothing, you are not supposed to lift a finger. Friends of my mom’s had organised to pour tea and set up cakes and eats for the continued memorial.
I was putting on the kettle and serving mourners.

That broke me inside, especially when “my family” were so intent on honouring tradition. Unspoken words, the blatant exclusion tore me down further.

I moved out that weekend.

My greatest supporter was no longer there, my hero, my grandfather, my father figure, my friend.
The faces who never showed up or showed up in small doses when I single handedly nursed my grandparents through illnesses, greedily stole my moment to mourn.

Life went on, I married, I had children, I didn’t have the beautiful wedding I had dreamed of, the kitchen tea’s, or baby showers. I was forced to simplify, little special moments spent with few people became the way of things. It seemed that my happiness or memorable moments were set aside by “my family” for more important moments in their lives. I realised that all they were ever there for in the past was the food.

In a way, I’m thankful for that.

It taught me to hold moments with my children dear to my heart. It has most probably aided my decision to put myself first, which has proven to be a good thing.

Those words and actions that tore into my soul can haunt someone else now.
Although I will never forget, I will heal, because I have more good memories and treasured moments with my hero than those who hurt me will ever do.
It was because of him, that I was not excluded but rather included. It is unfortunate that his passing proves how little “my family” learned from a truly inspirational man.

What triggers you off?
How are you coping?
I want to hear from you.

Please comment or share this post from one of the links below, or simply give me a thumbs up and like this post or the Di Doodles Facebook Page or add your email address above and have up coming posts delivered to your email.

AND THANK YOU for stopping by!!


About Di

Di believes that the most important and most fulfilling “job” she has is being a mom of two. She is an author and animal communicator. Her greatest passion is animals and their welfare. She enjoys writing about animals and topics to help others with their spiritual growth.

Posted on September 11, 2012, in Di's Articles, Family, Healing, Relationships and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 12 Comments.

  1. Some family will never understand! Its because they’ve never been there.
    They’re naiive to the fact that terrible things happen to people, and that it isn’t easy to get on with it.
    I am having the most terrible time with a family member now that I am pregnant. They don’t understand , and they don’t have children so I doubt they ever will. It hurts.

    • I wish I could say forget about it. I know so well that with preggie hormones it isn’t a realistic possibility right now.
      Maybe you could speak to this person and explain your feelings, if you haven’t already.
      Don’t bottle it up, what ever you do. its not worth it for you or your baba.

  2. I am getting married soon, I am only inviting a few close friends and family.
    What resonated with me is that you say “they were only around for the food”.
    That really becomes apparent when you are deciding on who to invite. They all want an invitation, but they aren’t around for the simple things.
    Its the same as your family not even giving you simple understanding.
    This has made me decide that those who will probably be in it for the long haul will get invites. I don’t want to start my marriage with tag alongs.
    My life is special, not only the parties and events.

    • Dee, to me birthdays and events should be special.
      The surprise or unexpected moments are what makes them and every day unique.
      Its more important that you have YOUR day celebrated by everyone there. I know there can be a lot of pressure with especially weddings.
      Don’t let the stress of it get to you. Rather concentrate on all that makes you happy and not only will the day be uniquely YOURS it will be spectacular for YOU and those who are happy for you. 🙂

  3. You are such an amazing, courageous woman.
    Thank you to your Gramps for inspiring you.
    Just like him, you give so much!

    So to them even genetics doesn’t give you the right to have a birth family.
    Its unfortunate that your family seem to not support you as he did, but you have created your own family. You are a matriarch of the family you created, and that is beautiful.

    Love your blog. I’ve followed you from your days.

  4. Sometimes family cause the biggest hurts.
    My friend, you need to keep speaking out. You need to keep writing.
    As you say its healing for you.
    Even more than that, your posts where you bear your soul, are helping someone else.
    You should encourage people to share their stories. Like yours they will be inspirational to others!
    HUGS to ((((Di))))

  1. Pingback: Open Letter to “the words” « Di Doodles About Stuff

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