Funnies for Parents…

Mom’s Brownies Recipe

    Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.

    Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.

    Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr “no, no.”

    Add margarine to 2 cups sugar. Take shortening can away from Jr. and clean cupboards.

    Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.

    Take shortening can away from Jr. again and bathe cat.

    Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat’s tail.

    Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.

    Take smouldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation.

    Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialled call removed from bill.

    Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.

    Let cat out of refrigerator.

    Pour mixture into well-greased 9×13-inch pan.

    Bake 25 minutes.

    Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy. Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn. Throw cat outside while there’s still time and he’s still able to run away.

Frosting

Mix the following in saucepan:

1 cup sugar

1 oz unsweetened chocolate

1/4 cup margarine

Take the darn teddy bear out of the @#$% broiler and throw it away — far away.

Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn’t know Jr had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street. Put Jr in playpen.

Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes.

Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose in man’s front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet.

Tie Billy to clothesline.

Remove burned brownies from oven

Murphy’s Laws Of Parenting…

A child will not spill on a dirty floor.

A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first, the chicken or the egg. It was undoubtedly the rooster.

A young child is a noise with dirt on it.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

For adult education, nothing beats children.

God invented mothers because he couldn’t be everywhere at once and God invented guilt so mothers could be everywhere at once.

Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.

Having children will turn you into your parents.

If you have trouble getting your children’s attention, just sit down and look comfortable.

Ill-bred children always display their pest manners.

Insanity is inherited; you get it from your kids.

It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they’ll know as little as their parents.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

One child is often not enough, but two children can be far too many.

Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid.

The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.

There are three ways to get things done: do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your kids to do it.

You can learn many things from children…like how much patience you have.

      
DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
      
      
FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
      
      
FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.
      
      
FULL NAME: What you call your child when you’re mad at him/her
      
      
GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.
      
      
HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
      
      
STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.
      
      
TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.
      
      
TWO MINUTE WARNING: When the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
      
      
VERBAL: Able to whine in words.
      
      
WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house…

You Know You’ve Turned Into a Mom When…

You automatically double-knot everything you tie.

You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes.

You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at school!

You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to you.

You get soooo into crafts you contemplate writing a book called 101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells.

You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your teenager say, “Mom, why don’t you wear the ones you pushed up on your head?”

If you are in need of further laughter enjoy last weeks Laugh its Funny

Or the top rated joke in DDAS STATS

It was your rack that saved you

If you have a great funny you would like to see here on a Friday… Mail it to me on stuffdidoodles@gmail.com or post it in the comments. If you make me laugh, consider it posted! 🙂

Please do me a huge favour and comment on this post with your jokes, share this post from one of the links below, or simply give me a thumbs up and like this post or the Di Doodles Facebook Page, follow me on Twitter or Pinterest or add your email address above or check the box below and have up coming posts delivered to your email so you never miss a Friday Funny again.

AND THANK YOU for stopping by!!

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About Di

Di believes that the most important and most fulfilling “job” she has is being a mom of two. She is an animal communicator. Her greatest passion is animals and their welfare. She enjoys writing about animals and topics to help others with their spiritual growth.

Posted on March 8, 2013, in Funnies, Kids and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

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